Re-Conception

All throughout my journey as a holistic health practitioner, I have deeply felt the connection between how we were conceived and the qualities and challenges we have in our lives. This is largely due to my awareness of my own conception in an unfortunately not so uncommon way.

My mother was raised in a Catholic family who did not speak of 'such things'. When she started menstruating at age 10, she thought she was going to die. She wore 3 pairs of underwear to school each day and told noone. This atmosphere of shame, silence, and secrecy around feminine fertility was deeply ingrained in her already. It was not ok to talk to anyone about this. She thought she had to suffer in silence.

When her mother finally found her bloody underwear in the laundry, she told her the minimum of information about what was happening, leaving her completely in the dark about her fertility and budding sexuality.

The only guidance and initiation she had around her sexuality came from watching her mother and very likely most of the other adult women in her life using their sexual charms to procure power and security in a male dominated world that enslaved women to their husbands and other men in their lives. Their sexuality was the only bargaining chip they had in the game and they used it. This reality was of course mixed with with a heavy mythology of shame around female sexuality that enforced complete silence about fertility, sexual pleasure for women, (or for men for that matter). So as my mother started dating boys as a teenager, her mother would encourage her to flirt, making sexually insinuatory remarks to her boyfriend as she sent them off on a date. Her boyfriend thought he had hit the jackpot.

It was not long before my mother started to piece things together and asked him what they would do if she got pregnant. He said "That would be your problem". This complete lack of interest or willingness to take any responsibility for the consequences of their activities together evoked an instinctual self protection in my mother and she dumped him on the spot. She was already pregnant with me though.

As she discovered her condition, she knew she had to keep my existence a secret. She knew that if she shared about me with her parents, her mother would evoke the shame/sin/evil mythology around her fertility and force her to go to Mexico for an abortion.

So my first moments of development were bathed in undeveloped sexual playfulness and exploration, perhaps even feelings of love and pleasure combined with fear, disappointing male irresponsibility, rejection of the father, shame, and secrecy about my existence on pain of death. This is a powerful blueprint that I have worked with throughout my exploration of holistic healing so I can awaken more life affirming energies like love, intimacy, trust, sexual maturity, mutually shared responsibility between partners, and full permission to be alive, seen, and recognized for who I am.

Like me, for many generations now most of us have been conceived through activities between our parents steeped in the shame and unhealthy relationship dynamics, from subtle to extreme, that are symptomatic of the dominant religious and social norms of the times. The circumstances and emotions surrounding our conception create a potent blueprint for our lives.

Our DNA is imprinted powerfully in this moment with the environmental influences present, activating the most appropriate attributes to cope with the environment at hand. For those of us conceived in a loving, mutually orgasmic, safe, secure, consciously co-creative encounter, our DNA activates in such a way to blossom into a life full of these qualities.

But for most of us, conception was not quite that. We instead experienced any number of stressors, insecurities, disconnection between our mothers and fathers, and so on. Our DNA responded by activating self protective systems and wiring our nervous system to be the strongest possible to withstand the stress, creating a deep addiction condition to stress hormones and perpetuating the unhealthy relationship patterns through the generations.

There are a number of healing practitioners and modalities that are prioritizing exploring the possibilities of reprogramming our DNA, re-imprinting with those qualities we would have activated in a healthy conception experience. Womb Centered Healing modalities tend to aim here, as all of this original imprinting happens in the womb, and the womb contains the potential to provide the remedy.

This profound process of reclamation and recovery has evoked my soul purpose work, Bio-Mystical Womb Healing. One of the starting places in this healing work is what I am calling Re-Conception, in which we journey back to our moments of conception, become aware of the blueprints we received from our parents in those moments, and transform that blueprint to a more life affirming, health producing one. The healing modalities that have been most helpful for me with this have been Tantra Yoga, Aquatic Bodywork, Breathwork, Trauma Recovery Therapies, Healing and Spiritual Birthing Practices, Visionary Meditation, Hypnotherapy, Womb Awakening and Womb Centered Healing.

Because of my personal experiences, I am deeply motivated to create and offer my unique approach to help others rewrite their original blueprint from one of fear, shame, secrecy, or whatever it was that is still creating suffering in their lives, to one of vitality, pleasure, love, and joy. I am creating a healing program bringing elements of the above listed modalities together with my inner intuitive Womb Guidance. As I create each component, I am receiving the healing benefits myself and sharing them with a group of apprentices who are taking the journey with me as case studies. Together we are writing about our experiences to share about it here in this blog, which will eventually be compiled into the book: The Bio-Mystical Womb.

Here is a poem I wrote after engaging with the Re-Conception practices in the program:

The Myth of Immaculate Conception

My mother struggled

Searching for the joys

Of human womanhood

Amidst myths of original sin

These myths claimed that just being conceived

Was an act of evil

And being born

Through the female birth canal

Made us all unworthy

Of divine love

Especially women

For being in possession of

A birth canal

A womb

We needed to prove our worthiness

Endlessly

By prostration in service

And subjection to abuse

And any enjoyment

Of our female anatomy

Was proof

Of our unworthiness and separation

From God

My mother’s initiation into womanhood

Fertility, sexuality

Came from my grandmother

Showing her to use her sexuality

To gain power

In the world of male domination

She found herself lost in the void

Between vixen and virgin

That is where she plucked me

From the tree of ignorance, shame, and grief

Growing in a dark corner of the mystery

Whose agony evoked

The compassion of my soul

She was drawn to my soul

Like a moth to light

Longing for the gifts I brought

Familiar with my flavors and aromas

We had shared womb space before

She knew the importance of her role

Without knowing

She protected me from abortion

Kept me a secret

Held to the only thread of truth

She could find amidst the myths and lies

That structured her life

“Life is sacred”

This knowing pulsed

A message from Divine Mother

Beaming clear through the fog

Of trauma induced cacophony

“Life is sacred

Motherhood is a precious gift

Protect this treasure

At all costs”

Her heart and womb

Unified

With the drumbeat

Of this imperative

Guiding her through the dark nights

Of solitude

Fear

Sorrow

That were to come

With no solace offered

From the Beaver Cleaver

White Washed reality

Surrounding her lonely ache

Her living mantra

Silently gestating

Her one source of hope

One precious gift

One gleaming miracle

Me

Awakening the strongest

Unconditional love

That will ever exist

Motherly love

Guiding her through the darkness

Of deception

Betrayal

Abuse

Solitude

To the power of love

Again and again

Unbeknownst to her

She became that beacon

Of infinite love

Arising out of nowhere

Lighting up that darkness

Bringing the balm of pleasure To the deepest hurts

Lighting the spark of laughter

In the driest tallest piles of lies

Setting fire to the ruins Of these perfect lives

We were supposed to be living

Lighting up the night

With the joy

Rising from the ashes of our pain

Revealing the truth of her worth

Secretly gestating in the darkness

All these years

The truth of all conception finally revealed

As immaculate

For each life is precious

Each journey perfect

In its imperfection

Each birth blessed

With Infinite Motherly Love

Learn more about the Bio-Mystical Womb Apprenticeship program here: https://www.samamorningstar.com/bio-mystical-womb-healing-apprentic